You Need Some Help!

“I don't get it. We're not even married and we have to go for counseling.” Those were the first words our of Jeff's mouth when Pastor Jason told him we needed to set up a time for premarital counseling. We had asked Pastor Jason, the director of music and the college & career group at our church, to perform our wedding ceremony and this was part of the deal. I knew it was coming so I didn't think anything of it. Every couple has to have premarital counseling, right?

Wrong. Couples who are not part of a church, and even some who are do not have to go through premarital counseling. My future-in-laws said that their counseling consisted of their pastor asking, “Do you two love each other? Good. Have you talked about kids? Good. All right, whens the big day?” Many pastors who are asked to officiate by couples who are not part of their church will not require premarital counseling. And couples being married by a justice of the peace or other non clergy member will not ask the couple to go through premarital counseling.

So what's the point? You've been dating, you love each other, you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. That doesn't mean you're crazy and need counseling. (Be honest, that's what you usually think when you hear counseling. Its for someone who needs serious help.) Dennis Rainey, a Christian counselor, puts it this way. “ We know bad things happen when we allow someone to drive a car without first learning some critical skills. Unfortunately, our society is only now waking up to the fact that bad things happen when we allow a couple to be married without learning critical relational skills. People just don't know how to be married.” (Agape Premarital Counseling Services)

Psychology Today reports that studies show couples who have gone through premarital counseling can improve the strength of their marriage by 30%. Counseling allows couples to spot problems in their relationship before they happen. When Jeff and I went for our first session (we have four or five) this past Thursday, we talked about how to deal with in-laws. Pastor Jason told us that there are three big things that couples fight about; in-laws, money and sex. By talking through some of the potential problems now, we can come up with a plan to take care of those problems before they hurt our relationship. First plan: Jeff's dad is not getting a key to our house!

Some couples are just having doubts about whether they should actually go through with marriage. It is a huge step and those doubts are natural. Counseling can help you figure out if these are just pre-wedding jitters, or if you really are fighting to much and something needs to change. Marriage and Family Therapy of New York offers premarital counseling to help couples learn different ways to communicate and build their relationship. Other counseling centers also offer premarital counseling. I'll put some links below for you to check out for yourself.

Whether premarital counseling is required or not, I would recommend it. Jeff and I have already learned something from our first session and the future topics look like they will be as helpful, if not more. Find someone you can be comfortable with and look at it as a chance to spend some more time learning about each other. Remember that you can't ever stop learning about your mate. So go get some help!

Helpful Links

Marriage and Family Therapy of New York
nyamft.org

Resources

Allen, C. (2003). What to Do Before Saying "I Do". Psychology Today, Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200304/what-do-saying-i-do

Atwood, J. (2007). Retrieved from http://www.nymft.com/Premarital_Counseling.html

LaVine, T. (2008). Retrieved from http://www.agapepremaritalcounseling.com/Home.html