Talk About It, Talk About It, Talk About It, Every Day!

It's 73 days and forty five minutes until the wedding! Things are actually starting to fall into place and I feel like everything will get done in time, as long as I can finish all my homework on time. Life is so full of plans right now that it feels like there is no time to stop. We keep looking towards the honeymoon with stars in our eyes, thinking how nice a vacation will be. Williamsburg should be beautiful in January, with all the Christmas lights still up. Now we just have to make it that far.

But in 74 days, life will really just be beginning. At least, the next stage of life. It is easy to forget that in the hustle and bustle of now. There are so many things that will happen after the wedding that we really need to talk about now. I know of couples who got themselves in a lot of trouble because of the choices they made before they got married. Some friends of Jeff's didn't talk about birth control. She's due the week before our wedding. One guy I know decided to spend a semester at a big name college and went into marriage with almost $50,000 in debt from that one semester. They are living in a little apartment and both working full time and going to school. Another couple decided they would buy a duplex and rent out the other side to pay their mortgage. They lucked out when he got a really good job right after the wedding, because that other half is still sitting empty.

These are just some of the things that need to get talked about before the wedding. Most girls are on birth control before they get married, but if you are going to have sex before the wedding you need to talk about your plans for kids in the future because what you are on now can affect you in the future. Even more important than deciding on birth control is talking about kids. A couple months after my parents got married my mom brought up kids. My dad, who was in his mid-40's at the time, had no intention of having kids. Mom, who was only in her early 20's, definitely wanted some. He came around when I was born and they had six more! But this is not a topic to leave for after the honeymoon! I've put a link below to WebMD that talks about different forms of birth control and things to know about them. Talk about it!

Another vital topic before the wedding is where you are going to live. Jeff's parents kept telling us that we could stay in their basement if we wanted. Not a chance! Some couples may choose to live with parents until they have more money set aside, others will get an apartment until they can save money for a house. Start looking at your finances and figure out what you can afford to spend on housing. Check out different mortgage offers and see who has a better plan. Century 21 has a whole section of their website devoted to mortgages and information about them. If you can afford it, buying is a good investment. You will get something from your money rather than pouring it into your landlord's pocket. Also, talk about what you are planning on doing when you have kids. If you want to stay home after the babies are born, don't get into a housing situation that requires your income. Talk about it!

Be sure to look at any debt that you have and discuss how you are going to handle it. Jeff bought a new car this year that we will be paying for until 2013. When I graduate college, I have loans I have to pay back. If you have college loans there are options for repayment. Sallie Mae offers several different options and you can use their online calculator to figure out your specific payments. Talk about it!

Don't wait until after the wedding to talk about these important topics. This is a time in your life that will effect every part of your future and good choices now will lead to a good outcome later. Sit down with your honey and talk things out. Talk about options and have fun planning for the future. Have fun as you plan and get ready for the next stage in life.

Birth Control Link

WebMD-http://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/default.htm

Resources

Centruy 21, . (2009). Mortage Financing-Information on Getting a Mortgage. Retrieved from

http://www.century21.com/buyingadvice/buying101/gettingamortgage/index.jsp

National Association of Realtors, . (2009). Home Finance-Mortgage Center. Retrieved from http://www.realtor.com/home-finance/default.aspx

Sallie Mae Inc., . (2009). Repaying Your Student Loans. Retrieved from http://www.salliemae.com/after_graduation/manage_your_loans/repaying-student-loans/repayment.htm

WebMD LLC, . (2009). Birth Control Center. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/sex/birth- control/default.htm

Girlfriends

My world started shrinking the day that Jeff and I started dating. I had been an active part of my church's College & Career group, a group with a lot of single girls and two single guys. We had fun together, hanging out and having girls nights. We would gather at someone's house and watch chick flicks and laugh and talk into the wee hours of the morning. I was the first of the group in a long time to be in a serious relationship and it didn't go over well. They started having more “girls only” nights and I wanted to be with Jeff. He was getting upset because no one ever wanted him around and those friendships started getting tested.


By the time we got engaged my world had become my family, my roommate, and Jeff. I had gotten into a fight with one of core girls in the group and it caused a lot of problems. My roommate and I had a rough time in the beginning too, but with a lot of work we got back on track. I saw it as a sign that ours was a friendship that would last. No one else wanted to put the time in to fix things, so I wasn't going to waste my time.


I miss the girls though. An article in the Star Tribune, “Breaking Up With the Girls”, said that “some (friendships) stay intact when life changes. Others don't.” My roommate, Tiffini, and I have been friends since we were six and seven and I asked her to come skate with me at a skating party we were both attending. We are going to last. But this time in life is going to be hard for us. She is single and right now there is no one on the horizon. We've been roomies for over a year and have gotten used to long talks at night and sharing everything. When I get married I'll be living half an hour away and there won't be too many sleepovers in the future.

Girls, keep in mind that your marriage can be very hard on your single friends. If it is a really sensitive issue, find something different to talk about instead of wedding plans all the time. Dr. Irene S. Levine “The Friendship Doctor” suggests finding things that are common interests that can continue whether you are married or single. Go to the gym together, make specific plans to go see a concert that your partner might have no desire to see, and don't try to set her up. Just because you are happy where you are doesn't mean that everyone else has to be with someone. Maybe this is not her time so don't force it on her. Even if she would love to be with someone, putting the pressure on is not a good way to make your friendship last. Find things that you can enjoy together, and if there is trouble, as Michele Bender from Wedding Guide says, “If she's a true friend, she'll be open to making changes”. But you better be open to making changes as well.


Friendships outside of your spouse are important. Your girlfriends, especially the ones who have known you longer than your spouse has, can understand you in a way that your man never will. Gabbing with the girls is a different kind of communication and stress reliever that your husband will not understand. Don't shut the girls out. Do what you have to do to keep the good friendships strong. Because every once in a while, when he starts driving me nuts, I have to tell Jeff that I just need time with the girls.


Resources

Bender, M. (n.d.). How To Make Everyone Behave. Wedding Guide, Retrieved from http://www.bridalguide.com/advice/article.cfm?aID=17349

Davis, J.B. (2003). Married...With Friends. King5 Wedding Magazine, Retrieved from http://www.king5.com/eveningmagazine/springweddings/2003/thedayafter/friends.html

Dooley, T. (2009, August 12). Breaking Up With the Girls. Star Tribune, Retrieved from http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/family/53052337.html? elr=KArks7PYDiaK7DU2EkP7K_V_GD7EaPc:iLP8iUiacyKUnciaec8O7EyUr

Levine, I.S. (2009, February 18). For Better of Worse: Marriage can Wreck a Female Relationship. The Huffington Post, Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/irene-s-levine/for-better-or- worse-marri_b_167769.html

Tradition! Tradition!

Tradition!Tradition! Sorry, I have a little bit of Jewish blood in me and every once in a while when making wedding plans I want to burst into that song from Fiddler on the Roof. Everything about the wedding seems to have some sort of tradition behind it. But when it came time to discuss the wedding ceremony we drew a blank. We knew there were some aspects of the Christian wedding ceremony that we wanted, but what else did we want to include? I hated the idea of just doing things in the ceremony for the sake of doing them. I wanted to know why we do them, and if I didn't like the meaning, I wasn't going to include it.

We decided to write our own vows. Ok, well, we are trying to write our own vows. It's a little harder than it sounds. We've worked on it together and separately. Hopefully we'll be able to get it done before the wedding. The traditional vows work, but we both liked the idea of making this promise something personal. Each couple has to choose for themselves. We just didn't like the idea of repeating words that didn't necessarily mean anything personally to us.

There are all kinds of options for the wedding ceremony. With my Jewish background we might decide to stand under a huppah, a special canopy that was built to provide privacy during the ceremony, or break a glass, symbolizing the frailty of marriage and a reminder that we need to take good care of it. Because of our joint belief in Jesus Christ and our faith in Him as Savior, we want some of His words concerning marriage included in our ceremony. We could light a unity candle, symbolizing our two lives coming together and becoming inseparable.

There are options for the wedding ceremony that come from every nationality and religion. Catholic wedding ceremonies tend to last very long because every attender has the chance to take communion. Filipino weddings used to last three days, though most are now traditional Catholic weddings. In India, couples hold rice, oats, and green leaves during the ceremony to represent wealth, good health, and happiness (World Wide Traditions.com).

Everything about a wedding is full of symbolism. I will be wearing a absolutely beautiful white dress because I am coming to Jeff as a virgin. Even as far back as Bible times, the bride wore white to represent her purity. The tradition of throwing the garter started back in the 14^th century when brides would do it to keep the men at the party from taking it from her. She would throw her bouquet because brides were considered to be very lucky on their wedding day and it kept people from tearing pieces of her dress off for good luck. When we get home that night Jeff will attempt to carry me over the threshold, a symbol of welcome into his home.

Whatever traditions you choose to incorporate, make the day special to you and your man. Don't just do things for the sake of doing them. This is a day to celebrate you as a couple. Don't do it just because your parents and your grandparents did, unless it means something to you. This is the start of a new family and you have the right to make your own traditions. Make it your day and enjoy every minute of it.

Resources

(2004). Wedding Traditions in Asia. Retrieved from http://www.worldweddingtraditions.com/locations/asian_traditions.html

Fairchild, M. (2009). Wedding Customs-Covenant Symbols in Christian Wedding Customs and Traditions. About.com, Retrieved from http://christianity.about.com/od/weddingceremony/a/weddingtraditions_2.htm

PIB Weddings, . (2009). Wedding Traditions and Their Origins. Retrieved from http://www.pibweddings.com/traditionsorigins.html

The Knot, . (2009). Ceremony: Jewish Wedding Rituals. Retrieved from http://wedding.theknot.com/real-weddings/jewish-weddings/articles/jewish-wedding-ceremony-rituals.aspx?MsdVisit=1

Dreams vs Reality: It's not a bad thing

I spent over an hour this morning with a friend who is getting married next August. We compared plans, talked about different ideas, and, for the most part, talked about money. Both of us come from single parent homes and neither of our moms have much money to contribute to our weddings. Both of our fiancées have very generous parents, but we don’t want all the responsibility going on them. Jess summed it up when she told me about finding her wedding dress last night. “It’s beautiful, and I love it,” she said, “but what I loved the most was the price. It was cheap and that was the selling point.”

Girls, you have all dreamed about your big day. Dressed to the nines, feeling like a princess, you will greet hundreds of family and friends, surrounded by flowers and a ten piece string band. You will dance all night long in a beautiful hall, or in my case a flower filled park, with your gorgeous Prince Charming. At the end of the day you will ride off into the sunset in a horse drawn carriage, heading for your honeymoon in some tropical paradise.

Reality check! That dress could cost you more than you make in a month. The hall will charge you over $100 dollars a head. Those flowers, which by the way will wilt by the end of the day, will be several hundred dollars just for the bouquets you and your girls will carry. Don’t get me started on what it costs to decorate with real flowers. And that horse drawn carriage and tropical paradise could pay your mortgage for the next six months.

Money is one of the biggest things that couples argue about. You need to determine how much money is available before you even start planning your wedding. Jeff and I planned as if no one else would be contributing. We were planning a wedding in the park near Jeff’s house with sandwiches and potato salad. The only thing that was going to cost more than three hundred dollars was the photographer. When Jeff’s grandparents offered to pay for our reception, we very gladly took them up on their offer. It allowed us to move the wedding up and put more money towards a house.

Women Today published an article about developing a firm financial foundation as a couple. They talk about debt, and how that affects a couple’s financial standing. Jeff has a car payment that is going to take over $300 a month out of our budget. When I finish school I will have to start paying off college loans. All these things need to be talked about ahead of time. Girls, if you like shopping you are going to have to warn your man and make sure that you know how much money you can spend.

One good source for financial help is Crown Financial Ministries. Crown Financial looks at finances for singles, married, and engaged couples and helps them to develop a budget, work through credit card debt, and plan for the future. One good source they have for engaged couples is the pamphlet “Before You Say I Do”. The pamphlet gives couples exercises to do to learn about each other’s money handling habits. There are sections about handling credit cards and budgeting as well as how to talk about finances. I’ll post the link below.

Money can make or break a marriage. A huge part of arguments in marriage stem from money and how it is handled. Stop the arguments before they start and figure out how you are going to handle your money even before you get married. Start budgeting while you are engaged so that you get in the habit before the wedding day. Try to have the wedding paid for ahead of time so you are not taking that debt into your marriage. And remember this. Your wedding day is just that, a day. It is not even a week out of your lifetime. It is a single day. In fact, your wedding will last less than ten hours. Find ways to make it special, but remember that that the most important thing is not that you have the wedding you dreamed of as a little girl. The most important thing is that by the end of the day you marry the man of your dreams.

Helpful Resources

Crown Financial Ministeries-Before You Say I Do Pamphlet

http://www.crown.org/pamphlets/pdfs/BeforeYouSayIDo.pdf

Mvelopes-A Budgeting Tool

http://www.mvelopes.com/

Sources

Crown Financial Ministries. (2003). Before You Say I Do (PDF), Retrieved from http://www.crown.org/pamphlets/pdfs/BeforeYouSayIDo.pdf

Finicity, . (2009). Mvelopes. Retrieved from http://www.mvelopes.com/

Foreman, G. (2009). For Richer, For Poorer. Women Today, Retrieved from http://womentodaymagazine.com/money/newlywed.html

Dating After You Get Engaged

We have less than three months until the big day. 88 days to be exact! Days are full of work, school (I’m still in college full time), planning the wedding, and getting our house fixed up. We’ve spent late nights putting in new windows at the house or ripping out moldy old paneling. Some nights it has been after ten before we get home from school and/or work and the day started at 6:30 or 7 am. Jeff keeps saying that he’s seen less of me since we got engaged and his parents keep making cracks about the fact that we are always on the phone. We just argue back that it’s the only time we get time to ourselves. I still see him almost every day, but it's not the same. Last night we stood outside my house and as he hugged me good bye and dropped a kiss on my head he whispered, “I miss you”.

I miss him too. I imagine that most engaged couples will agree that time becomes a precious commodity in the days before the wedding. It is also the time that you need each other the most. Wedding planners tell couples that this is a time of transition, a time to keep learning about each other but on a different level. It is a time where friendships begin changing as you make the transition from being single to being part of a permanent couple. It is a time full of stress and the best way to handle it is to have someone to lean on. This can be a time of incredible growth in your relationship and a chance to really learn about your partner.

One thing you have to do is continue dating! It is hard, I know, but it is necessary to keep your sanity. Make time to go out and have fun. The key is finding time to get completely away from the wedding plans and the rest of reality. Go somewhere new, do something that neither of you have ever done. Or if you have a favorite place, find a different variation of it. Last week Jeff and I took the day and went to Ocean City, MD. The beach is one of our favorite date spots (It’s fun, relaxing, and cheap!) so we decided to visit some new beach spots. We used the "150 Cheap Date Ideas" website listed below for some fun dates.

Cheap dating is important too. Money is one of the things that will cause stress and arguments during your engagement so look for inexpensive date ideas. ABC News did an article about dating during the recession with ideas like wine tastings and Scrabble café’s for cheap dates. Take walks together. It is a good way to get away without actually going anywhere. Jeff and I get teased for being corny because our favorite spot to sit and talk during a walk is in a cornfield. Go on picnics or visit a local zoo and pack your lunch. Take your man with you when you register for the wedding. It can be long and tedious if you go alone so have him man the price gun and then you can plan your house together.

Your engagement is a time full of excitement, stress, and change. Go along for the ride, but don’t get caught in the current and pulled under. Do things that let you stop and catch your breath. Plan time to spend with your partner and continue building your relationship. And remember, you can survive!


Fun Date Ideas
[http://www.funnewjersey.com/upload_user/Weekend_Getaways/150_DATE_IDEAS_NJ_ROMANTIC_DATE_IDEAS.HTM]

Resources
(2009). 150 Fun Romantic Date Ideas in NJ. Retrieved from http://www.funnewjersey.com/upload_user/Weekend_Getaways/150_DATE_IDEAS_NJ_ROMANTIC_DATE_IDEAS.HTM

Lewis , J. (2009). Avoiding Engagement Stress Blues. Retrieved from http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/engagement-stress.htm

Wong, K. (2009, April 27). Recession Dating 101: Cheap Date Ideas. ABC News, Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/WN/Story?id=7439539&page=1

You Need Some Help!

“I don't get it. We're not even married and we have to go for counseling.” Those were the first words our of Jeff's mouth when Pastor Jason told him we needed to set up a time for premarital counseling. We had asked Pastor Jason, the director of music and the college & career group at our church, to perform our wedding ceremony and this was part of the deal. I knew it was coming so I didn't think anything of it. Every couple has to have premarital counseling, right?

Wrong. Couples who are not part of a church, and even some who are do not have to go through premarital counseling. My future-in-laws said that their counseling consisted of their pastor asking, “Do you two love each other? Good. Have you talked about kids? Good. All right, whens the big day?” Many pastors who are asked to officiate by couples who are not part of their church will not require premarital counseling. And couples being married by a justice of the peace or other non clergy member will not ask the couple to go through premarital counseling.

So what's the point? You've been dating, you love each other, you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. That doesn't mean you're crazy and need counseling. (Be honest, that's what you usually think when you hear counseling. Its for someone who needs serious help.) Dennis Rainey, a Christian counselor, puts it this way. “ We know bad things happen when we allow someone to drive a car without first learning some critical skills. Unfortunately, our society is only now waking up to the fact that bad things happen when we allow a couple to be married without learning critical relational skills. People just don't know how to be married.” (Agape Premarital Counseling Services)

Psychology Today reports that studies show couples who have gone through premarital counseling can improve the strength of their marriage by 30%. Counseling allows couples to spot problems in their relationship before they happen. When Jeff and I went for our first session (we have four or five) this past Thursday, we talked about how to deal with in-laws. Pastor Jason told us that there are three big things that couples fight about; in-laws, money and sex. By talking through some of the potential problems now, we can come up with a plan to take care of those problems before they hurt our relationship. First plan: Jeff's dad is not getting a key to our house!

Some couples are just having doubts about whether they should actually go through with marriage. It is a huge step and those doubts are natural. Counseling can help you figure out if these are just pre-wedding jitters, or if you really are fighting to much and something needs to change. Marriage and Family Therapy of New York offers premarital counseling to help couples learn different ways to communicate and build their relationship. Other counseling centers also offer premarital counseling. I'll put some links below for you to check out for yourself.

Whether premarital counseling is required or not, I would recommend it. Jeff and I have already learned something from our first session and the future topics look like they will be as helpful, if not more. Find someone you can be comfortable with and look at it as a chance to spend some more time learning about each other. Remember that you can't ever stop learning about your mate. So go get some help!

Helpful Links

Marriage and Family Therapy of New York
nyamft.org

Resources

Allen, C. (2003). What to Do Before Saying "I Do". Psychology Today, Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200304/what-do-saying-i-do

Atwood, J. (2007). Retrieved from http://www.nymft.com/Premarital_Counseling.html

LaVine, T. (2008). Retrieved from http://www.agapepremaritalcounseling.com/Home.html

Why Wedding Survival?

In 92 days I am marrying the man of my dreams. We met almost eleven months ago. He was my first boyfriend and I was his first serious girlfriend. After the first two months we have seen each other almost every day. In fact, I can count on two hands the days I haven’t spent with my honey. I fell head over heels in love in a way I had only dreamed of. He is gentle, sweet, attentive and everything else I had wanted in a man. He proposed on the beach, right after sunset on July 24, and then the nightmare began.

We had started talking wedding plans almost two months before our engagement and had quite a bit figured out. We knew where we wanted to get married and how we wanted to do it. We had talked through a lot of reception details, I knew what colors I wanted, we both had our attendants picked out, and I even had my dress. He wanted to be involved and I loved it. We were having a blast planning the big day. Then the family stepped in.

Most couples will agree with the statement that planning the wedding is the hardest part of the relationship before marriage. Dating has its pros and cons, but once the date is set, life gets rough. Both of our families are totally supportive of our relationship, but each family member had some suggestion or tip or piece of advice for our wedding day. Everything from where we should have the ceremony and reception to whether or not we were going to have favors at the reception has become a battle between the families. And somehow we get stuck in the middle of all of it. It became a balancing act to keep everyone happy, involved, and still have some say over what happened on OUR wedding day.

The idea behind this blog is to give some help to engaged couples, and maybe find some advice for myself. I want to share some psychological advice for dealing with stress, dealing with family relationships, and preparing for marriage. I'll pass on some ideas for keeping your relationship strong in the midst of the marriage plans. Most of what I will share will come from the professionals. I need it as much as you! But sometimes it’s hard to find so I’ll do the research for you. The rest is personal experience. So far we’ve made it work and you can do it too! You can make it to the altar in one piece, and hopefully with your family relationships still intact.